Experimental Living

As I sit silently in the warm glow from my rose-hued lamp, my mind wanders back to last summer, and I think of how carefree I was as compared to the state that my heart is in now. Heavier things weigh me down, and the future is looming closer. Each day brings me closer to impending deadlines, auditions, and the inevitable realization that I must move ahead. 

It really was a beautiful summer; I spent a very freeing and maturity-inducing three weeks in upstate New York where I lived and breathed music. Being on my own for the first time was definitely eye-opening and made me realize how much I love being solo. As soon as I returned from the music program I had been participating in, my family rushed off on a vacation to Montana. The scenery in Glacier National Park was so breathtaking that at times, while circling by on the famed Going-to-the-Sun Road, I couldn’t focus on anything except trying to capture the different colors and sights in my mind. 

When I returned to Ohio, I plunged right back into school, which I had started the week before I left for Montana. And school has truly been life-changing, as it is for most first-time students. I’ve met so many different people and made so many good friends, most of whom I now can’t imagine life without. I’ve discovered new things I want to do with my life, and I’m so excited about the future.

Yet there are the hurdles I must cross through, the strange new terrain I have to find the correct footing for. I’m struggling with my emotions, stress, and doubt, and trusting God with my entire heart and mind is becoming increasingly difficult. But nothing can ever be solidified without testing. And I am definitely being tested.

Sometimes I wonder why God has brought certain people into my life if they are only going to cause me emotional trouble and frustration, but I know there’s always a reason for everything, and so I try to learn and move forwards. It’s even harder when your mind refuses to stop dwelling on the past. Yet I’m still pushing hard and shoving my pride aside. Taking each day at a time. Focusing on what’s most important: trust. Complete trust. After all, it only seems like it’s a big deal. Later in life I can look back and smile at my foolish heart and mind. Right?

I think my biggest issue right now is a lack of self-control. I can’t focus on things that need to be taken care of, like bills and schedules and practicing and keeping in touch, all because my mind is tangled into one gigantic knot. It’s frustrating, but I’m learning how to straighten myself out and not care about things I can’t handle on my own. 

That’s the problem with being a free spirt, or a “hopeless romantic”, if you will. It’s so easy to rely on my “feelings” for judgement, instead of God’s Word. I’m also easily influenced by other people’s opinions, so if a trusted friend gives me advice, I tend to analyze it and attempt to apply it first before praying. It’s wrong, and I don’t blame these welcome advisers, but I need to put God’s leading first and foremost in my mind. So, my heart is easily misled and confused, and I end up becoming a depressed and confused mess that can’t do anything right. 

Thankfully I’m almost okay now. I’m still confused about certain details and situations that I’m in, but that’s normal and I’m accepting that there are going to be things I can’t understand. It’s teaching me to rely more and more on His Spirit for peace and comfort, and I’m so thankful for His teaching. After all, He never said it would be easy being one of His. And I’m glad. I’m really, truly glad that I’ve been through these things. Even though it hurts, good has come of it. And hey, nothing is ever not worth the pain if you can’t get a good song from it.

Another thing I’m learning is to be more original and more like myself, instead of trying to conform myself to some preconceived and unspoken “standard” set out by the rest of the world. I’m trying to say what I think instead of what I think other people want me to think, to express myself more freely and also with more brevity, and to use more judgement in friendships and conversation. 

The more confused I am, though, the closer I grow to Him, because He’s the only one who understands me truly and wholly. He knows exactly what I’m going through, and He knows exactly how it will end, so He’s the only one I can turn to. I’m learning to not rely on the opinions and thoughts of others for comfort, but on Him through His Spirit and His Word. 

So yes, it’s been a turbulent past four months. Things have happened to me that I didn’t plan or expect to happen, and though it’s both frustrating and exciting, I’ve come through it more confident and sure of myself, because I know I can rely on Someone wiser and more reliable than I am. 

The wind is howling and I’m thinking, as always. Sometimes my thoughts can become so twisted and confused that I wonder why I even bother pondering at all. But then I remember that there’s no use for faith if there’s no doubting. So I trust, and trust, and trust some more. Because that’s the only thing I can do. He’ll take care of the rest.

That reminds me of a song… I think I’ll go listen to some Keith Green.

Tags: Christian Living, friends, friendship, frustration, God, life, love, music, prayer, school, the future, thinking, trust, wind

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 31st, 2009 at 10:47 pm and is filed under Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.